How real is your dating life? Do you find yourself treating your first date like a job interview? You dress up. You say all the things you think the other person wants to hear. You even lie or hide certain facts about yourself. You try to avoid awkward silences as much as possible. You shift around uncomfortably trying to adjust to that comfort level with a mere stranger. Do you end up doing all of this or some of this all for the grand winning prize of a mate or at the very least, a date #2?
Let’s say you win the grand prize and you are enjoying the company of this other person. How are you acting and how is the other person reacting? Are you seeing the person or are you seeing who you wish the person to be? Ignore certain character flaws and red flags? Asking your friends a million questions about your mate’s intentions without ever asking that person what his or her intentions are? Or do you ask about his or her intentions and question their answer because it does not align with what you expected or wanted the answer to be? Do you spend all your time together to the point where you two become one and the same losing your “individualities” in the process? Do you show off the other to friends and family? Have arguments emerged and more questions arise about the source of frustration, anger and maybe even guilt? Are there great make up sessions and all is forgiven but never forgotten? Do you communicate to one another like two friends would? Do you even remember the friend part in boyfriend or girlfriend? Is it all about sex, sex and more sex? Is making love an option?
Marriage occurs. Honeymoon happens. Back to a two-bedroom apartment/condo/home with your committed mate–the one with the ring on. You two sleep in the same bed, drink from the same cup, write with the same pen but look across from each other and see a complete stranger. How could this happen? It could happen for a number of reasons. For starters, you could have been looking to fill the void of love within by seeking a mate, totally forgetting the most important part of a healthy relationship: self-love. Secondly, the dates could have been mere mirages and illusions. Authenticity could have been thrown out the window and the two of you played a game with love instead of really living in love. Once the games faded, arguments occurred, flaws poked out like sore thumbs and there was a choice–either to end it at this point or to stay with acceptance. If you chose acceptance, chances are the choice was not based on unconditional love but a conditioning of a-white-picket-fence-two-kids-and-a-dog pipe dream. Thirdly, the fairytale of a marriage ceremony could have been more important than the reality of the relationship so once the high of marriage faded, the truth came to the surface–you were trying to fill a void of love that only you can fill–no other human being is capable of filling it for you, no knight in shiny armor, no princess in a pretty dress, no one. In this type of relationship, the mate is merely be an illusion of internal love. Sadly, this illusion of love is often believed by many because so many people follow social doctrine that dictates what is expected and accepted between two mates from start to finish. What most people do not realize is that this social doctrine is not based on unconditional love but everlasting fear. That fear starts with the first date–the fear of rejection. The fear keeps going into the mating phase–the fear of being alone and again into the marriage–the fear of failure. Love moves away where fear resides so the question remains:
Where is the love in this relationship?
Fortunately, we all have the choice of gaining self-love and once this happens, we can finally find another to share that organic love with, which is one of the most harmonious experiences in life. We, first, have to be really honest with the relationships we put ourselves in and understand why we are in these types of relationships to begin with. It all starts from childhood where we watched cartoons that told us to wait for someone to save us from ourselves. This savior-mentality is also played in government, religion and many other social entities. The romantic love relationship is just one facet of a very layered and complex issue but the remedy to this issue is pretty simple–love self first in order to love others abundantly so that we can date, mate and meet a freeing fate of unconditional love.